My bachelor party was this past weekend. It was a great deal of fun, and also kind of disastrous. We started at 3 p.m. in a place in Brooklyn that has happy hour deals on oysters and whiskey, then did an early-evening cruise around Manhattan on a rented yacht with open bar. We gambled with dice raucously, and then my night got pretty blurry. I guess we also played some poker? And got into a limo and sang along to Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”? And the limo broke down on the FDR, so we went to a bar in Alphabet City? Then apparently I disappeared for half an hour, and when I rejoined the party I was no longer blacked out. Nice! Memories!

But yeah, I woke up with this bad boy on my arm and countless bruises all over my body — I remember falling down the ladder on the boat (didn’t spill my drink LIKE A BAWSE), but I don’t recall falling face-first off a two-foot partition onto the West Side Highway. Also, the officiant of my wedding tried to walk home over the Williamsburg Bridge, fell onto his face and cut his chin open, and showed up at his apartment at 5:30 in the morning shirtless, bloody, and vomiting. His wife took him to the ER for six stitches and a tetanus shot.

Oh yeah, and there was also this:

No, YOU’RE the one who got trashed then somehow passed out on your buddy’s Russian roommate’s bed, where his girlfriend was already sleeping

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) May 6, 2012

So apparently these are the things that happen at bachelor parties that make The Hangover realistic enough to be funny. If that happens to you regularly, you should probably stop drinking entirely (more on that later, btw).

Thanks for indulging drunken story time. Let’s get to your questions.

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Some are claiming that this ultimate grab is more impressive than any football catch ever. It’s a hell of a snag, to be sure, but last I checked, a football is quite a bit more difficult of a shape to catch than a disc and, unless it’s being hurled by Philip Rivers, a football also won’t remain suspended in the air for 38 seconds for a receiver to run under it. So suck it, hippies playing ultimate in the quad. This ends KSK’s ultimate frisbee beat for most likely forever.

- Tim Tebow said that he’s changing the name of his two-year-old Rhodesian Ridgeback from “Bronco” to “Bronx”, because confusing the sh*t out of your pets is the Christian thing to do. If I see a headline about this to the effect of “A Bronx Tail”, well, it’ll probably only be the third or fourth trollingest thing related to Tebow today.

- HBO said it would like to have a team in place for this year’s installment of “Hard Knocks” by the end of the month. The Jets are reportedly still in the running. But what of the Texans and their righteous campaign for acknowledgment? PK must know!

- Scab officials! The NFL is looking for replacement referees in case the labor standoff between the league and the referees union isn’t resolved by the beginning of the season. Can’t imagine they could be much worse than the current crop of refs. Either way, let’s get Gene Hackman and Keanu Reeves working on the movie adaptation right away.

- An RGIII painting replete with biblical references, a member of Night’s Watch from “Game of Thrones” and what appears to be Dr. Manhattan. I will say I’m impressed with RGIII’s form when racing across the hood of a taxi. Should suit him well in the years to come.

- A contestant on “Teen Jeopardy” misidentified a photo of Eli Manning as Aaron Rodgers. Not numbell one smaltest contestant! Anyway, I know it’s hard to imagine that a kid who appears on “Teen Jeopardy” might not be incredibly well-versed in prominent sports figures, but it’s true.

First, Eli’s making a fool of himself on SNL. Now Elisha is appearing on a contentious cover shot for Time Magazine, promoting a story about the dangers of overmothering your child. [PK speak] Self-deprecation, Eli Manning has it. [/PK speak] Abby and Olivia can’t be thrilled about the use of a model, I bet.

As for the story, not sure what the big concern is. Eli got babied more than either of his brothers and yet it’s he who owns the family record in Super Bowl rings. Looks like taking your children antiquing will be the latest in helicopter mom fads.

Thanks to @TheBaronMorris for the top shot. Slightly more disturbing Manning-related offerings after the jump.

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Next copyright claim: foam headset and spangled jersey

In case you’re wondering why Robert Griffin III is in a big rush to trademark things like “RGIII” and the “Unbelievably Believable” phrase from his Heisman acceptance speech, here’s a handy object lesson as to why. A Jacksonville man is suing the Jaguars for copyright infringement because he claims the team stole his idea for the “three-point stand” tee that kickers use to warm up on the sidelines. He is seeking $5 million.

Of course, in his filing with the court – written by typewriter, by the way – Johnnie Perry misspells words “plaintiff” and “deliver” then encloses a photo of an object that doesn’t actually have three points.

IN 1996 THE THREE POINT STANDS WAS INVENTION THE PALINTIFF INVENTION THE THREE POINT STANDS AND ASK THE DEFENDANTS TO BUY ONE THREE POINT STANDS AND HANDDELEVER TO THE N.F.L. KICKER AND THE TEAM.

I’m no law-talking guy, but this looks like a slam dunk to me. Get out your checkbook, Shahid Khan.

At one point or another, all of us have thought about what it would be like if Tecmo Bo could exist in the Super Mario universe. I know I have. But it’s the space between dreaming and doing that separates the jerkoff bloggers from the jerkoff people with video editing wherewithal. An intrepid soul, with a song in his heart and fire in his loins, realized the dream and put Bo in Level 1-1 of the original Super Mario. Two 8-bit favorites that pixelate well together.

Clearly, there’s no use in stopping here. Gonna need to see Tecmo Bo conquer all the old school favorites: Contra, Metroid, Double Dragon, Mega Man, Castlevania, the DuckTales game that was really goddamn awesome. Will also lobby for Duck Hunt, because I’d really like to see Bo plow through that dog.

Bengals lineman Jacob Bell cited Junior Seau’s suicide as one of the reasons for his abrupt retirement, which the eight-year veteran announced yesterday. Bell described Seau’s suicide as the “cherry on top” for his decision, which we’re thinking just might be a poor choice of idiom. We imagine he meant either “final nail in the coffin” or “the straw that broke the camel’s back”, unless it just never dawned on us that the two best times to retire are after winning the Super Bowl and when a likely Hall of Fame linebacker kills himself.

“I’ve had a great career, but Seau getting one in the chest really puts it over the top. Can’t get any higher than that!”

On a somewhat lighter note, here’s a comedy video from The NOC with Brandon Lloyd and Bryant McKinnie deadlocked in a 77-year tennis match. You’d be hard-pressed to find much more “middle of May” content than that. No way Mount McKinnie would make it through seven volleys before passing out from exhaustion, but I suppose when the premise is two time-traveling football players donning wigs and playing a genteel sport, it’s a little beside the point to nitpick details.